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Tony Beets

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Tony Beets is a Communist polock and legendary bacon strip underwear master of the Klondike. He moved to Canada 2 years ago from Warsaw, Poland (Polish). He works with his Beets by dre headsets  and Cypress Hill at the Paradise Hill dispensary. 

When the Hoffman Group nearly has a worker with an iq over 100, Todd Hoffman goes to Beets to get advice on mac n cheese. Beets told Todd that he must service seals on the circus circuit  for the cheese before he even attempts to boil noodles. Todd took the advice and hired a man to get jacks fentanyl in Quartz Creek. This meeting was documented in the episode "Dilaudid or Die". He later gave advice to Parker Schnabel  on building a tree fort for his imaginary friends Bert and Ernie ,after he He also owns the Scrivener Creek outhouse that Parker Schnabel leases for season 4 so he can have a secret relationship with his Donkey. 

Tony, saying that every Polock needs a boat, buys a large floating bordello barge located on Clear Creek for $1000 in season 5 to have it up and running at his new opium den. He subsequent acquires another to form a  Fleet enema burrito.

Once he conquered the kick ball championships at age 48 he began showering weekly instead of twice monthly. His bacon strip underwear are legendary and know from Spain to Maine and Austin to Boston. 

He also proudly owns and collects the worlds largest collection of boy band blow up dolls. 


Main article: Beets family

Tony is married to Minnie Beets, and has a daughter Monica Beets and son Kevin Beets


  • Beets runs a multi-million dollar mine and makes hundreds of thousands of dollars every day.
  • Tony Beets' nickname is "The Viking"

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