Tony Beets is legendary meth king of the Klondike. He moved to Canada 25 years ago from the south side of Chicago and works at Starbucks in fairbanks. .

When the Hoffman Group nearly has a mutiny after Todd eats a 3 month supply of food in 4 days they call Starbucks to get Todd lined back up with some crank, but unfortunately tony is in the county jail for exposing himself to a group of spider monkeys. before he even attempts to give them banAnna flavored xanax/morphine lollipops He is then shipped out to a all men's gay oil rig. This meeting was documented in the episode "Drill shitters or Die". He later gave advice to Parker Schnabel and his new lover Rick ness on tea bagging and the best household cleaners to use as lubricant. Then chugged a gallon box of merlot after he finished. He also owns the Scrivener Creek Claim  where Parker Schnabel throws all his tantrums and store his chip n dale blow up doll collection for season 4.

Tony buys a large 55 gallon barrel of ky jelly and puts it on the Clear Creek hamster-gerbil shop in season 5 to have it up and running at his new donkey show and gorilla cookie shoots for MINNIE

he later returns to Chicago to give Monica's hand in marriage to Randy quaid and Dennis quaid in a reverse polygamy ceremony with her brothers wearing Minnie pearl hats and smoking corn cob pipes full of hashish

after there honeymoon to the Days Inn Fairbanks/rumpus room she's right back at it chewing unlimited pairs of bacon strip undies daily.

Family Edit


  • In his hometown, Tony is known as "Tony the tiger" because he is constantly licking dirty sacks and screaming "they're great"

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.